Sun has not risen yet....

Sun has not risen yet....

So the past few weeks have been a bit hectic to put it mildly. Kenya was a whirlwind, and as soon as I can fully wrap my brain around all the emotions I'll update ya'll. But for the moment I've been struggling. It really hit me last week while B was away. I felt extremely lonely and for the life of me couldn't figure out why. Sure, honestly I dont have any friends here, just casual acquaintances from either O's school or Crossfit, but its been like that the whole time. It really hit me on Feb 8th.... and then it dawned on me - my mom's 5year anniversary was in 2 days. My mom has been dancing with Jesus and the angels - and now my dad, for 5 years. Gosh, it really seems like just last week we had Sunday lunch. I can see her so clearly fussing in the kitchen, making sure everything was in order for our weekly meal. I'm talking ALL THE FIXIN's! I also see her sitting bundled up at our last christmas with her. Just sitting there with her scarf covering her bare head - once full of thick red beautiful hair. She quietly watched all of us. It was hard for me to look at her - to really see her. I didn't take one photo of her that day and it pains me to wonder why not. Her mind was going at that point, she had been diagnosed with brain cancer in addition to her stage 4 lung cancer. I was mad and embarrassed at some of the things that she would say, and now I'm ashamed to have thought those things. That year went by too fast, from the time it was revealed she had cancer till her death. In the beginning all I wanted was for her to tell me how long she had. She always replied with "Lindsay, I have as long as you have. I have today." And in truth that is all we are promised. We are not guaranteed long life or amazing health, it is a gift. One that we should not squander. I was again reminded of that on 10.11.12 when my father passed away suddenly.

I always questioned why my dad left us for a sailboat after mom died. How could some floating contraption replace family. My brother, my sister, B & I and the boys, we were all still here - near him. I think freedom called to him. He was trapped at the house where my mom died - bound by great memories and the terrible tragedy of watching his love fade away. At times, most of the time, I feel as though he is still here. He is just sitting on his boat, drinking his coffee and watching the sun rise over the bay - he did this every morning. I will always honor my dad for the way he cared for my mom, selflessly and compassionately. He showed true character in the way he served her. It's taken the past few years to realize that my dad did what he felt he was called to do, leave.... to jump feet first into an adventure, despite so many of us questioning his reasoning. It was crazy but at least he was true to himself. Its also pretty amazing to know that my mom and dad are together, dancing.